Today I wasn’t a good mom. You wanted me to pick you and take you to the auto-rickshaw but I refused to and let you cry till we reached the auto. Though I did make you sit in my lap on the way to school. And then again on your way back you wanted me to pick you up my knee was paining so much that I thought it would be a bad idea to pick you up and walk the stairs.
When you wanted to play with me, I was more interested in finishing my tea before it turns cold. You didn’t finish your dinner because you wanted to eat roti with jaggery and I thought you already had enough sweets for the day. And back in the room for bedtime, I yelled at you because you dropped the powder on the floor. I again shouted at you when you resisted changing into night dress. I was drowned in the self-pity because by the night both my knees were paining and I was so worried about what is going to happen next. You kept troubling me when I sat with the warm water bottle. I was so frustrated that I turned off the light for you to sleep without brushing your teeth or giving you your calcium drops.
And then the guilt struck me really hard. I read a post shared by a fellow blogger which cited that it was important to be a mindful parent. When the child acts like a child, as a parent I need to act like a grown-up and not lose my temper and make things worse for both of us. We need to regulate our emotions and not lose them on our child.
The thing is that the past few months have been really difficult. And I am sure they have been for you too. But I want to tell you today and forever that it’s not you. You are not the reason for my emotional outburst, you in fact are my ray of sunshine. It’s me. Me because I cannot take care of my emotions and when I feel anxious, I need space which I cannot expect you little human being to understand. You need to understand that I am trying really hard but some days are more difficult than others.
I am sorry I was not a good mom.
Tomorrow I will try again.
PS : Wrote this post after reading a post which cited that it was important to be a mindful parent. And then the guilt struck me really hard. When the child acts like a child, as a parent I need to act like a grown-up and not lose my temper and make things worse for both of us. We need to regulate our emotions and not lose them on our child.